An Insight into The True Opinions of @ndrew Slackbastard by Dr. Cam:
Bin sick, gentle reader. So sick. Coughed up some blood the other day, this concerned me, but the G.P. came up with an innocuous explanation and told me to harden up. Fuck you, G.P.
Ran a psycho fever last week. Buried myself in every piece of covering I could find, but was still freezing cold, until I realised that with the multitude of universes simultaneously running side by side all I had to do was transfer the heat from the next universe over. Unfortunate side-effect of this blending of realities was that other aspects of divergent continuums would also cross over. This concerned me for some time.
I told @ndy Slackbastard about this and he appeared concerned but I suspect he was just humouring me. What a dick.
——
Oh man, I saw an ad for Dan Murphy’s in the paper today. It was all like, “You can beat your wife, but you can’t beat these prices.” I thought, steady on, that’s a bit racy, Dan Murphy. All trivialising domestic violence for the purposes of selling affordable beverages.
——
A soldier told of an incident he once witnessed on the parade ground…
It happened during the early morning company inspection which, on this occasion, was being paraded in front of a very senior officer.
Everything had gone smoothly until the officer came to a certain soldier, looked him up and down and snapped: “Button that pocket, private!” The soldier, who was rattled, stammered: “Right now, sir?” “Of course. Right now,” the officer angrily replied.
The soldier carefully reached out and buttoned the flap on the officer’s shirt pocket.
The officer had been quick to notice the young man’s problem, but hadn’t noticed his own.
Later, the young soldier was beaten and sodomised for his insubordination.
——
Some time later…
Last night I went to @ndy Slackbastard’s opulent yuppie townhouse whereupon I told him about my new emotional hardcore band The Tears Of A Forlorn Sailor Standing Defiantly Astride The Bow Of A Ghost Ship Sailing On A Cold And Empty Ocean Devoid Of Sea Life. @ndy was having none of it, insisting that we discuss Robert Downey Jr.’s masterclass performance in the awful thriller In Dreams. Since such a discussion largely involved @ndy staring dreamily into the middle distance and mumbling about ‘eyes like saucers of moonbeams’ I thought I would change the topic to my concerns inre: the Large Hadron Collider.
Well, didn’t that set the cat amongst the pigeons. One got the impression from @ndy’s incredulity that he didn’t even believe that the Large Hadron Collider existed, let alone that it was capable of punching a hole in the side of the universe and KILLING US ALL.
“@ndrew,” I said, “It will even kill The Gays!”
“What do I care,” he sneered in reply, “I’m no Gender Bender Agenda Defender.”
“But @ndrew! Musical theatre! Techno music! Applying dry ice to foodstuffs such as yams and serving them with some sort of ‘jus’!”
He wasn’t having a bar of it.
What a dick.
Hey Gentle Readers, would you like a further update?
SOME TIME LATER (i.e. just last night):
@ndrew continues to deny the existence of the Large Hadron Collider, sardonically making references to cultural detritus such as Dr. Who.
‘EN-GAGE THE HAD-RON COL-LI-DER,’ he mockingly demanded in the style of a Dalek, scourge of the universe, ‘WE MUST STOP DOC-TOR CAM SEX-EN-HEIMER.’
A total dick, gentle reader, that is what we are dealing with here. So immature.