GEE, OFFICER LUKE
Schlong’s Punk Side Story, 1995. For LukeTehSame.
ACTION
Dear kindly Sergeant Luke,
You gotta understand,
It’s just our bringin’ up-ke
That gets us out of hand.
Our mothers all are junkies,
Our fathers all are drunks.
Golly Moses, natcherly we’re punks!
ACTION AND JETS
Gee, Officer Luke, we’re very upset;
We never had the love that ev’ry child oughta get.
We ain’t no delinquents,
We’re misunderstood.
Deep down inside us there is good!
ACTION
There is good!
ALL
There is good, there is good,
There is untapped good!
Like inside, the worst of us is good!
SNOWBOY (Spoken) That’s a touchin’ good story.
ACTION (Spoken) Lemme tell it to the world!
SNOWBOY (Spoken) Just tell it to the judge.
ACTION
Dear kindly Judge, your Honor,
My parents treat me rough.
With all their marijuana,
They won’t give me a puff.
They didn’t wanna have me,
But somehow I was had.
Leapin’ lizards! That’s why I’m so bad!
DIESEL (As Judge) Right!
Officer Luke, you’re really a square;
This boy don’t need a judge, he needs an analyst’s care!
It’s just his neurosis that oughta be curbed.
He’s psychologic’ly disturbed!
ACTION
I’m disturbed!
JETS
We’re disturbed, we’re disturbed,
We’re the most disturbed,
Like we’re psychologic’ly disturbed.
DIESEL (Spoken, as Judge) In the opinion on this court, this child is depraved on account he ain’t had a normal home.
ACTION (Spoken) Hey, I’m depraved on account I’m deprived.
DIESEL (Spoken) So take him to a headshrinker.
ACTION (Sings)
My father is a bastard,
My ma’s an S.O.B.
My grandpa’s always plastered,
My grandma pushes tea.
My sister wears a mustache,
My brother wears a dress.
Goodness gracious, that’s why I’m a mess!
A-RAB (As Psychiatrist) Yes!
Officer Luke, you’re really a slob.
This boy don’t need a doctor, just a good honest job.
Society’s played him a terrible trick,
And sociologic’ly he’s sick!
ACTION
I am sick!
ALL
We are sick, we are sick,
We are sick, sick, sick,
Like we’re sociologically sick!
A-RAB In my opinion, this child don’t need to have his head shrunk at all. Juvenile delinquency is purely a social disease!
ACTION Hey, I got a social disease!
A-RAB So take him to a social worker!
ACTION
Dear kindly social worker,
They say go earn a buck.
Like be a soda jerker,
Which means like be a schmuck.
It’s not I’m anti-social,
I’m only anti-work.
Gloryosky! That’s why I’m a jerk!
BABY JOHN (As Female Social Worker) Eek!
Officer Luke, you’ve done it again.
This boy don’t need a job, he needs a year in the pen.
It ain’t just a question of misunderstood;
Deep down inside him, he’s no good!
ACTION
I’m no good!
ALL
We’re no good, we’re no good!
We’re no earthly good,
Like the best of us is no damn good!
DIESEL (As Judge) The trouble is he’s crazy.
A-RAB (As Psychiatrist) The trouble is he drinks.
BABY JOHN (As Female Social Worker) The trouble is he’s lazy.
DIESEL The trouble is he stinks.
A-RAB The trouble is he’s growing.
BABY JOHN The trouble is he’s grown.
ALL
Luke, we got troubles of our own!
Gee, Officer Luke,
We’re down on our knees,
‘Cause no one wants a fellow with a social disease.
Gee, Officer Luke,
What are we to do?
Gee, Officer Luke,
Luke you!
