Rule #1 : NO POOFTAS! (A sort of ecology of man)
15 Comments Published December 24th, 2008 in !nataS, Sex & SexualityGod created Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve, reckons Ratso (aka Pope Benedict XVI). Which may be so — Hell, I’m not that old — but I’ve always wondered where all the other people came from. I mean, Adam & Eve had three kids, right? Cain, Abel, and Seth. Or maybe more. Adam had A LOT of sex…
…And Adam lived a hundred and thirty years, and begot a son to his own image and likeness, and called his name Seth. And the days of Adam, after he begot Seth, were eight hundred years and he begot sons and daughters. And all the time that Adam lived came to nine hundred and thirty years, and he died.
Exhausted, by the sounds of it.
Anyway, point is: if there was only two peeps to begin with, at some point, there must have been incestuous relationships — surely. It stands to reason, after all. I mean, who did Adam & Eve’s kids have sexual congress with if not each other and/or Mom and Pop? And like, The Bible is chock full of such nastiness. For example, Genesis 19:30–36 recounts how Lot’s two daughters got him drunk and then took advantage of the inebriated old man. Or am I missing something? Like… lizards? Or… extra-terrestrials?
Where was I?
Oh yeah: rainforest destruction, trans-genderism, and other threats to humanity. Ratso, in a Crassmas address to a large group of men in dresses: “A sort of ecology of man is needed… The tropical forests do deserve our protection. But man, as a creature, does not deserve any less” (Pope likens “saving” gays to saving the rainforest, Reuters, December 22, 2008).
For what it’s worth, I think it’s about time someone stood up to these chainsaw-wielding trannies, as I’m pretty sure I read Andrew Bolt say that this vengeful, unnatural, unholy mob are responsible for over 3/4 of rainforest destruction.
IF there’s such a thing as “rainforest destruction”!
In conclusion: Baby Jesus would be smiling.
See also : Suffer the Children (December 6, 2008)
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Okay, anarchist, touching on my grounds baby! Yeah!
but I’ve always wondered where all the other people came from.
You’re taking way too literal! DO NOT WANT.
From my run ins with who Darp once called a stand-up guy, John Humphreys, creator of Australia’s Libertarian Party and kick-arse guy all-around:
“it is quite clear that Genesis was not using metaphor. There is no deeper meaning in the sentence ‘and then abraham begat isaac… and then isaac begat jacob… etc’.”
– John Humphreys
“The talking snake, poison apple, garden with the flaming sword, God needing a rest, the earth having a mouth that drinks blood, ‘breathed into his nostrils the breath of life,’ God has lungs? What if he sneezed while doing this? Yeah, you’re right, that sounds like a historical narrative, not metaphor. In Genesis Chapter 5, verse 2, Scripture says “Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.” But since this is actual factual history that’s being recorded, when did Eve’s name change to Adam? And isn’t it confusing calling everyone ‘Adam’? And did it happen all in one day or not? And, in Genesis 1:27 it clearly says that God made Adam as both male and female, then later on it says he created female from Adam’s rib.
Now, note the multiple references to Adam as being more than one person, note the multiple references to the creation of man. Note the reference to sons of God (men with souls), and daughters of men (men without souls), that point is important, I might add.
There is no doubt that the Jewish inspiration for writing the Old Testament came from real world goings on too, so it was always going to be some real world elements mixed with metaphor and myth, for instance, it is provable that the Assyrians and Egyptians existed, no one today denys this, and so claiming Moses as a metaphor is more questionable than not, but I think the story of him was embellished in the extreme. And Seth, Enosh, Cainan, et al were probably real people – and they had souls. But whether they were the only people on earth at the time is probably incorrect. Abraham begat Isaac, and he begat Jacob… these are references to ‘men with souls,’ this text is concerned with Revelations from God, the ‘daughters of men’ that would be those men without souls, were probably elsewhere, like in Africa, India… and if you watch South Park or ask some Koreans or Chinese, the Japanese today are ‘daughters of men’ because they have no souls.
Genesis was not concerned with the true origin of the species, it was concerned with documenting the Revelations of God to the chosen people who received them – that would be those pesky modern bankers, the Jews.”
– Me
Hang on a sec…
So: Adam & Eve didn’t actually exist?
Genesis, Chapter 5, New Advent (Catholic) Bible:
Reads like a family history to me, back in the days when folks lived centuries. (Or are the references to age also metaphorical?)
The Bible — an arbitrary collection of ancient texts in any case, of often unknown authorship, origins, and the subject of various translations from numerous languages — abounds with contradictions and idiocies. According to Genesis, God created day and night on the first day — but waited until the fourth to create the sun. He refers to Himself as “us”, but never explains why. Genesis 32:24–30, God wrestles Jacob — and loses…
Reads like a family history to me, back in the days when folks lived centuries.
‘Begat’ – It’s a lot of fucking isn’t it? (cue Catholic bigtory WITH CONDOMS)
But seriously, tell me what is metaphorical and what is literal and we’ll both be happy! You seem to be sure, I am not. Snakes talking, for me, is a giveaway, evil apples, I’m not anti-Tasmanian, earth drinking blood, um no. You?
He created them male and female; and blessed them: and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created
*first clue*
And the days of Adam, after he begot Seth, were eight hundred years: and he begot sons and daughters.
*second*
Now the serpent was more crafty
Feminists! *your clue*
Genesis 32:24–30, God wrestles Jacob — and loses…
Oh you touch on! Open Theism! Yay! Another metaphor…
http://voxday.blogspot.com/2005/04/mailvox-great-puppeteer-pulls-my.html
On puppet-string pullers,
Better than I can say and well, what the bibles says, the Open View:
http://voxday.blogspot.com/2005/04/mailvox-show-me-scripture.html
“But seriously, tell me what is metaphorical and what is literal and we’ll both be happy!”
Dunno. Some folks believe The Bible is the Word of God, and expresses literal Truth. Obviously, this approach has its drawbacks. I think the simplest approach is to classify the most outlandish tales as ‘metaphorical’. Where the line is drawn is a matter of taste I guess.
We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.
I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
I agree. And thank you, sir. Do you have a bow tie, Cam, does he have a bow tie?
And now that I’ve drank enough to put me asleep (if I did water into wine…MOTHERFUCKER) may I?
MERRY CHRISTMAS ANARCHISTS! Merry Christmas Neo-Nazis! Merry Christmas Aussie lurkers! Merry Christmas federal police! Merry Christmas SCS! Merry Christmas Chaser Crew! Merry Christmas University Anarchists! Merry Christmas (Andrew?) Merry Christmas Dr. Cam! Merry Christmas Darp! Merry Christmas Fight Dem Back! Merry Christmas Vikings! (huh?) Merry Christmas White Supremacists! (get a BRONZE TAN fake SO WHAT at your LOCAL GYM), Merry Christmas Wankers!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!1!1!! Do they know? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jjI63-r4Tw
MERRY CRASSMAS Jamie R!
Ah acid… I should be frightened and quivering in a corner and wondering if life will ever be the same again. Yeah!
We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe.
Real Christians don’t believe in forcing the schools to teach anything, we believe in the liberty to homeschool, that means a principle where no one forces us and no one forces our opponents. Free from the government to regulate what is taught! And since the government is elected by the people *some* believe it is a conflict of interest they have any role in education at all – regulations of what is taught OR taxpayer funding.
I mean, how can we vote them out when they teach and assure us everything we need to know? I guess censoring the internet IS about child porn doh!
…maybe, but there appear to be many who disagree. That is, there are lots of self-described Christian skools in Oz. Catholic schools, for example, supposedly “account for about 20% of students in Australia with approximate[ly] 1700 schools around the country”.
http://www.schoolseek.com.au/school/affiliation/catholic
there are lots of self-described Christian skools in Oz.
I say burn all the schools down, but that’s the anarchist in me… I mean they maleducate the majority of the population (as far as I can see out there everyday), but they do turn many kids into good citizens (for the most part I guess… and it sounds eerily like fascism to suggest ‘good citizen’ is a required component of learning, more like ‘conditioning’). They also turn them into apathetic learners the majority of whom lack real confidence in their individual abilities, we’re all different! You can’t exactly cater to the individual’s needs when you group them in with 30 kids of the same age. Anyways, John Taylor Gatto has some great books which I still have not read about the question of schooling as opposed to learning, I don’t have my own kids yet so the topic doesn’t greatly interest me but maybe when I do. Gatto was a public school teacher who won awards and he has plenty of thoughts and ideas on the topic.
I guess my own thoughts on schooling lead me to think they want us – moreso – to be socialised as good citizens on government standards, rather than active independent thinkers surrounded by people of all ages – not just other kids and teenagers – as we are taught. I think it’s a bad idea to throw kids in with their own peer group only, the analogy that comes to my mind is giving a car and a few cartons of beer to 4 teenage males and telling them to drive from Sydney to Melbourne…
I have never seen @ndy wearing a bow tie, Jamie, but just because I have not seen something does not mean it does not exist.
There’s a potential theological treatise in that. “Have you been exposed to the truth of Indy’s bow tie?”
And that, might I add, sounds better than ‘…the truth of atdny’s bow tie’.
I know. I don’t write comedy, I amke it. Make it. Dammit.